The Fun of Failure

You get a trophy! You get a trophy! You get a trophy! Everyone gets a trophy! Why? Because you participated, of course.

A recently published article by the New York Post stated that rewarding failure has become an American epidemic. And though I do not have children myself, I couldn’t agree more. I was a competitive swimmer for 13 years, and when I would lose races when my parents said things like “you’ll get em’ next time” or “here’s where I think you could improve” or better yet “go talk to your coach and see what they have to say about your race.” I’m not sure if it’s because I was never a shining star in swimming (good but mediocre) and I just became numb to not taking first or if it was because of adult reactions, but I never expected a reward for losing. Today’s age I think we have a different story.

As I got older and became a swim coach myself I started to recognize how some kids handled losing versus other kids. You have the criers, the tantrum throwers and the ones who genuinely were there to just have fun. I do remember watching parents trying to cheer up their child by saying they would go get ice cream after the meet or letting a trip to Toys R Us do the job. (also RIP Toys R us, you will be missed.)

The article from the New York Post followed a mother and teenage daughter at the high school cheerleading tryouts. The daughter obviously did not make the squad and Mom was just not going to have it. With enough diligent complaining, the athletic director changed the squad’s policy to allow anyone who tried out to be a part of the team. You can already imagine the uproar of the students and parents that worked tirelessly to earn their spot, and this is a prime example of what we are doing everywhere when we ‘let everyone win.’

When we fail at letting children learn from failure we are not only creating expectancy, but we are failing the kids who actually do work hard. And we begin to lose the most important thing between a child and adult…trust.

Jessica Lahey, author of the best-selling book “The Gift of Failure,” said it best.

“Kids are smarter than we give them credit for, and they know when we lower our expectations for them. When we give praise, awards or a slot on the team unearned . . . they no longer trust adults to be honest and unbiased arbiters of quality. Lying to kids about the quality of their work or downgrading our expectations so as not to make kids feel bad will only result in their no longer trusting our judgment.”

I am very passionate about raising a generation of kids who have a strong sense of self and open-minded way of thinking so they can be a driving force once they reach adulthood. I genuinely believe there is no stopping them once they become passionate about something themselves.

With that being said, the ‘everyone gets a trophy’ mentality is going to have to settle down. I understand the strong love a parent has for their child and how protecting them from all kinds of hurt is important, but failure is not a wound. It is healthy and without it, strength never comes.

Share this with someone who is a parent, aunt, uncle, grandparent or any child’s biggest advocate.