Let’s Talk (to Our Kids) About Sex!
By Lacy Mayberry
I had exactly one sex talk with my mom. I was probably around 10. My older sister said something I didn’t understand and when I asked what she meant, she laughed and told me to go ask Mom. So I did. My mom sat me down and all I remember was totally freezing up, horrified, as she spoke the forbidden words penis and vagina. These were the last two words that I ever thought she’d say in a sentence to me. I have a strong dislike toward the word vagina, and whilst I knew that I had to know more about it at some point, I didn’t think it would be this soon. It was at that point that I didn’t want to hear anything more. I never asked her about sex again. Because I grew up in Utah, where sex education in school was nonexistent, the rest of my sex education came from insinuations on television and my friend’s older sister-a sexually savvy girl who got pregnant in high school.
Spoiler alert: this was not an ideal way to learn about sex.
Here’s another spoiler alert: your kids will learn about sex at a much younger age than you did. Better you than their first-grade peers to give them the lowdown.
TALK EARLY
Like, really early. Begin by teaching your toddler the proper names for his or her body parts. Penis and vagina. Not “swimsuit area” or “hoo-hah.” Process your own discomfort (if any) with anatomical words. Kids are intelligent; giving nicknames or pseudonyms to parts of our bodies signals that there is something wrong or shameful about these body parts. Keep your coolest face. When my toddler sees me naked and says, “I love your nipples, Mom!” I smile and say thanks and save my laughter for later, when she’s out of earshot.
TALK OFTEN
Rather than one sex “talk”, have an ongoing sex “conversation.” Keep sex an open and un-stigmatized topic in your home. Something your kids feel they can bring up or ask about. Answer questions as they come up. But be careful not to deluge your child with way more info than they are actually asking for in that moment. For example, when my kindergartener asked me, “What’s the F word?”, I went on this super long over-explanation about how it’s a slang word for sex and inappropriate for kids her age to use, etc, etc. After which, she said, “Yeah, but what is the F word?” She just wanted to know what the F stood for. She wasn’t asking for more than that. Keep your explanations age-appropriate, but don’t hide anything either. So, for example, if your toddler accidentally finds, let’s say, your sex swing in the wardrobe and they ask what it is, tell them that it’s for when mummy and daddy (or daddy and daddy or mummy and mummy) are having a nice time loving each other in the bedroom. That way, your toddler will be satisfied with an honest answer without knowing too many details they didn’t ask for. You might want to keep it a secret from your neighbours though!
TALK WITHOUT JUDGEMENT
Once they are teens, keep the door open for continuing conversation. Make an effort to keep a close, honest, and authoritative (rather than authoritarian) relationship. Offer autonomy and trust. Again, get your cool game face on. Let’s say your teen tells you about how their 15-year-old best friend Sally is having sex with her boyfriend.
Response 1: “OMG, Sally is WAY too young to be having sex. I wonder if her parents know about this…”
Response 2: “Hmm, I wonder how Sally is emotionally handling that situation…”
Which one will get your daughter to reflect on her own values and decisions and which one will signal to her that you are not a safe person with whom she can share real things? Always make it a point to let the children know the dangers involved in having unprotected sex. Make a safe space so that your kid would want to ask and share all their sex-related queries.
You’ve conveyed your ideals, rules, and morals to your kids as they’ve grown. As they approach adulthood, stay a safe place for them. Offering trust and autonomy while listening without reactive judgement is likely going to support your child on his or her best possible & unique path.
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