Think of the movie, Dirty Dancing, specifically the relationship between Baby and her father. Over the years Baby and her father have built trust and created a relationship built on all the elements described above. The relationship is tested as Baby finds herself, her own values, and questions her father’s values. For this relationship to “survive” trust was high. Trust is challenged when Baby asks her father for money for Penny without disclosing the reason why. Trust in that relationship was high, and her father gave Baby the money without a lot of questions. Trust was still high as Baby brought her dad to check on Penny who was sick upon her return from the doctor. After that scene, trust has decreased dramatically because the communication did not demonstrate integrity, competence or reliability. Baby had not shared why she needed the money. When it is discovered the money had been used for something illegal and for whom it was used Baby’s father is angry and trust is lost. Baby loses trust in her father for sharing values that she no longer embraced or could follow. The loss of trust had consequences and the opportunity for growth as both Baby and her dad reflect on their individual values. I am not sure the “silent treatment” by a parent ever works, which is what the father decided to do, it only increased the tension and eroded the relationship further. Remember Communication is the relationship. However, trust had to be “earned” again in their relationship.

It is not until the lake scene near the end of the movie, where Baby confronts her father and shares that she had integrity, she had told the truth, and that she apologized for her part in omitting what the money was used for. Baby defended her choice in wanting to help people and change the world, which she thought her father wanted. However, the “change the world” was a subjective value that each of them had a specific interpretation too. This opportunity for open communication was possible because of the trust, though minimal, still existed in their relationship and this trust
fostered Baby’s ability to share her thoughts and feelings with her father. It is a brave moment and demonstrates the need for trust in the parent/teen relationship and that we must consistently be building our relationship and trust with our teen.

Trust fluctuates on a continuum and at times in a relationship one individual may “burn up” some of that trust and the relationship may have a speed bump. Parenting often sees this oscillation of trust between teenager and parent. The key to trust is to minimize the times that as a parent we have to expend our trust with our teenager. I caution parents when using the phrase, “because I said so”. This phrase needs to be a part of our communication past. It serves no purpose in building trust. It is the easy answer. I am sure we would not want our teen to be so dismissive of our questions or concerns. It is at that moment when as a parent we take the easy answer that trust melts away from the relationship. It takes time to explain the reason behind a choice made as a parent. It is remembering that parents have to demonstrate the competence, reliability, integrity, and communication that builds trust. It is the responsibility of a parent to demonstrate building trust and then expect your teenager to do the same. If our answer is “because I said so” is it reasonable or realistic to expect a teenager to divulge information or greater details of a situation if the level of trust has not been established? High levels of trust allow for the parent/teen relationship to have conversations that help your teen to build life skills they will need to have as they enter the adult world and work force. Life skills such as courage, communication skills, critical thinking skills and being able to define their values and boundaries are all part of having that trusting relationship with you the parent.
Teenagers today face many opposing views and now more than ever need to have that trusting relationship with their parents. Creating this trust and building a relationship with your teenager requires the ability of a parent to discipline with love, mentor with authority, and love unconditionally. It is understanding that the teenage brain is changing and growing, that critical thinking skills and high-order cognition are developing, and that sometimes poor choices are made in the light of their inability to understand the long-term consequences of their behavior. However, by developing trust in the relationship, as a parent you are more likely to hear about the bad choice and can intervene at an earlier stage. Trust allows for the dynamic communication between teenager and adult, so that encouragement and guidance can help facilitate their development into adulthood.

Trust establishes the bond of a relationship that allows for fierce conversations. Trust fosters the conversation and the conversation is the relationship. Without conversation the relationship dissipates. I encourage you to take the time to build trust in the relationship and to continue to grow trust on a continual basis in relationships.